Hunky-dory

So, how are things? Keeping yourself occupied and sane, I hope.

You know those, What I'd tell my younger self, posts you see everywhere? I won't do one of those because there's nothing I'd tell my younger self not to do. I had a very awesome time as a younger self. Yeah, there were moments I felt like I'd been thumped in the head by the cross-section of a large halibut, but whatever. 

No regrets here! None. Zippo. Zilch. 

That was my life, and I think it was awesome.

Remember back in the winter of 2013 when I was working with the doctors at the UBC Mood Disorders clinic? Well, I wasn't sold on their diagnosis (they actually couldn't determine between three), so I sought out a second opinion. After seven months of waiting to get in to see a specialist and four months of weekly appointments, which required I bring in some 'collateral' (my report cards from elementary school and high school), I was diagnosed with ADHD combined with a few episodes of major depression. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar back in 2013. I didn't think I was bipolar. 

Apparently, it's common for bipolar and ADHD to get mistaken for each other. I never went on the drugs (lithium) the UBC doctor suggested. My family Dr. didn't feel the diagnosis was concrete enough either, so she didn't push it and helped me seek out a second opinion. 

I'll tell you this, though, my ADHD was making me feel like I was going crazy because I had so many things going on in my head. Seriously, your mind really doesn't stop thinking. I've been taking Wellbutrin since 2009. My Dr. prescribed it for depression, and it slowed down all the talking in my head, which has helped me focus. Now I only have between six to eight things going on in there when it used to be between fifteen to twenty. 

I'm still going to be working with the specialist (doing cognitive behavioural therapy) every week for who knows how long. My main concern is working on how not to fall back into depression or at least how to cope if I do. That's a dark and frightening place. Read H.P. Lovecraft's short story The Outsider; in my opinion, it's a good unintentional metaphor.

The thing about ADHD is you get bored quickly. Agh - so bored! One of the challenges is trying to remain 'responsible' when you just want to fuck off somewhere and do something new! I'm trying some new things for fun  - strictly fun. Being responsible shouldn't have to eliminate fun. Ever notice it really pisses some people off when you have fun? Lighten up, for fuck's sake.

My fun things planned so far for January - April:

1. philosophy classes at UBC - okay, I dropped one already - Metaphysics and Epistemology. I dropped it nineteen years ago too! Now, I'm taking one - Philosophy of Mind with Evan Thompson. I'm taking it because it's in line with my train of thought over the past year, and I want to write about it. I'm thinking about going on to do my Masters but who knows. I already have a UBC degree in History.
2. check this one out - a creative writing workshop this weekend, How to Write a Romance Novel. Haha! Might as well! Think of the people I'll meet! I'll tell them my genre is Space Erotica.
3. spa day at Willow Stream with my friend - how normal? Not really - not for me, at least! I don't like people touching me, so I'm strictly using the steam room, sauna, hot tub and cocktail menu. Shit, I just realized I don't own a bathing suit. To tell you the truth, I'd be more comfortable nude than in a bathing suit.
4. short story - I'm pulling together something around quantum consciousness, the macabre and utopia

Okay, I will tell my younger self something. Don't make one of those stupid lists of things to tell your younger self when you're older.

Live well and live now.