Were you ever scared?
It was the first time anyone asked me that question,
and I had to think about it.
I certainly had to be scared a few times – but I couldn't remember them.
I did, however, remember the moment I realized that fear is an illusion.
It was about 3 in the morning. I woke up and
decided I wanted to sit outside.
I'd sat on my deck at night but never further than my wifi would allow.
Because I like using the Sky Guide app
That night, I woke with an urge to sit on the cold,
late September ground in the back 40.
The Milky Way usually
hung above my yard like a mobile,
its purply blue halo dripping trails of twinkling silver,
but tonight, it was absent.
I gazed up beyond the layers of stars to infinite black dust.
In the depths of the forest's exhilarating darkness, I peered into the night.
From the corners of my eyes, I noticed shadows of various depths of black brush by me.
I focused, and they were all around me -
moving like pedestrians on a noon-hour sidewalk.
Rhythms of various degrees of warmth moved the cold air,
and I fought the urge to get up and run.
I thought about orgasms,
the exhilaration of waiting and the pure ecstasy of release.
I fingered my memory for a quote from Poe but only came up with Shakespeare.
There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
I pushed myself to stay – to wait and see what would happen.
I sat in the night as the shadows moved over and around me.
I didn't exist.
I envisioned my heavily treed property in the daylight.
I rationalized - these aren't bears or rapists or cougars because
there are no predators on the island.
I hypothesized the viability of shadows thrown on a moonless night.
I concluded that what I was experiencing was the unknown.
How could I fear it if I didn't know what it was?
Fear, therefore, was irrational, an illusion.
To quote Roosevelt, There's nothing to fear but fear itself.
Instead of running, I waited, embraced the unknown and released the fear.
I was overcome with emotion and an ecstasy of the purest form.
I thought I had seen the full depth of darkness until I saw shadows dancing within it.
My friend came to stay with me for some October 31st shenanigans.
We sat around the fire in the backyard until the last ember burned
and the treetops melted into the night sky.
On our way back to the cabin, the shadows emerged.
I didn't say anything.
Dude, what the fuck is that? Seriously, what the fuck!
I still smile thinking about that night.
That's the unknown. Just welcome it in and ride it out.
bunkie at night
